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November 3rd, 2008

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07:55 am - rukusu, you Idiot.
You finally managed to do it.. you fucking killed yourself. You were just talking to me.. you were JUST talking to me night before, talking about going to MFF. What the hell happened. I know a bunch of shit just happened with your family, you came to a LOT of realizations about yourself.. and you told me it was going to get better?

This is so messed up.. I don't even know how to feel. I am both sad and angry. I think more angry.. why the hell didn't you come to me? You always did. What the hell was going through your head.

You somehow managed to be a huge part of my life.. I don't think anyone even realizes. You did so much for me. You were there to support me when Steve was abusive, you were there when he kicked me out and the only place I had to go. I lived with you.. for a few months I lived in Clayton, NC. It was a beautiful place. The double-wide trailer, on ungodly amounts of land, in a field, surrounded by woods.. down a dirt road, off of another dirt road. It was perfect. You said I could have that.

I met you at AC 02, and talked for a while before that. You found me when I posted a picture of a tail I made on VCL, which was promptly removed. A mere window of hours, and you found me.

You took me to Las Vegas as a 21st birthday present.. TOOK ME TO VEGAS. We road-tripped once, 3,000mi in one week. We drove to MFF, then to Eau Claire, WI.. in my Buick.. that car. Goddammit, that car.. you know, I've just recently been thinking about that car the past couple of days, and wanting it back. But a lot of that fucking car reminds me of you and all the things we did together.

You were the one and only person who knew me better than ANYONE else on this planet. It was so comforting to have that. You knew what I wanted, what I was thinking, what I was going to say. And I, in turn, always knew what to say to you. We complimented other so well.. and we both knew that. We had some bizarre relationship where I was some sort of mother-figure/tutor/guardian that was perfect the way it was at the time.. if only you'd realized that then.

I have things you gave me.. gifts, and a small pile of personal stuff I was supposed to give back when you asked for it. I have art.. so much goddamn art.. of you, of us, and of things you drew. I deleted what I had off my computer. I went to tear it all out of my sketchbook, then realized it was over half the book.. what the hell do I do with it? I can't look at this stuff ever again.. you are a fool.

Those fucking pictures.. I was JUST looking through my old art last night, looking at all of those pictures. Thinking about you.. a mere half an hour or so before someone told me the news.. WHAT THE HELL.

I taught you so much. I watched you better yourself.. a lot. You were supposed to keep at it. Why didn't you come to me.. why? I'm so mad.. it just doesn't make any sense at all. You had more ambition than anyone else I've ever known.. how did it that all just come to an end? Who pushed you?

I know you were crazy.. but it wasn't your fault. It wasn't your fault your mom was a drug addict and you were homeless for most of your childhood. It wasn't your fault your dad wasn't any better. I'm so sorry.

I knew it would happen some day, I just never thought it would be so soon.

Stuart Brooks Johnson, Julian Rukus Kitsura;
2.22.85 - 11.1.08;
May you rest. And if that was really the only way out.. may it be in peace.


I may add more later.

I don't really need sympathy.. like I said, I am more angry than sad. I do encourage people who knew him, though, to post with thoughts, maybe recent pictures, chat logs.. whatever.
Current Mood: sadsomber

(19 comments | Leave a comment)


[User Picture]
Date:November 3rd, 2008 04:03 pm (UTC)
it sucks

i really liked rukus. he was one of the very few people i met down in florida who had a brain and a heart and i always really enjoyed seeing him and talking to him. i am remembering the last time we talked and the conversation we had really makes me laugh, he's got my props and my respect, he always did

i'm sorry dai
[User Picture]
Date:November 3rd, 2008 04:05 pm (UTC)

The day he was born..


[User Picture]
Date:November 3rd, 2008 04:08 pm (UTC)
I was even looking for this pic the other day to show Creed.. the only pic I have of the headliner I put in my car, with Rukus in it.

[User Picture]
Date:November 3rd, 2008 04:40 pm (UTC)
[User Picture]
Date:November 3rd, 2008 04:42 pm (UTC)
OMG... Please call me... *hugs* He was just talking to me too... He was feeling better... WTF...


Edited at 2008-11-03 05:03 pm (UTC)
[User Picture]
Date:November 3rd, 2008 05:25 pm (UTC)
OMG! i picked him up and took him to mfm, it was both are frist time going to a furcon, that was back in 2002, i knew he had a crappy life and all, but he seemed so happy to go with me to there, wow, thats... i dont know what to say
[User Picture]
Date:November 3rd, 2008 05:39 pm (UTC)

Oh God

Dai - you can't tell me this is real..
PLEASE tell me this isn't real..
No. I was JUST talking with him!
This... This can't be.. please.. Please
tell me this is some sick joke.
It would be so like him to pull something
like this. Oh God. I'm so sad, angered
and upset. You have to be kidding me!

Please.. gimme a call to confirm this..
or at least an e-mail. I have to know
from someone who has their 'effin head
on their shoulders! ><;;;;;

[User Picture]
Date:November 3rd, 2008 05:41 pm (UTC)

Re: Oh God

>.>; I hate LJ - cut off half my post..

[User Picture]
Date:November 3rd, 2008 10:33 pm (UTC)
*sits and lowers his ears a tear running down his muzzle* I was just at work a few hours again and got a text with the news and it crushed me. I had to push on with my day like nothing was bothering me well it was eating me up inside. I keep telling myself this isnt real this is some sick fucked up joke and he will pop online any min........ but nothing. I was just talking to him just a few hours before and he seemed so happy, so ready for MFF and to hang out and now just like that he is gone. What pushed this poor inocent foxy to do such a thing to end such a life. I know he had problems but he also had friends that love him. I hope where ever he is he is in a better place and watching over all who cared for him. I hope he can somehow enjoy MFF with us and know we love and miss him. R.I.P sweet foxy you will forever be missed.

I have tucked his pictures away in a back folder, it hurts to much to look at them right now but I know he is there somehow. I'll always have the memories of the fun we had and what his life could have been. *sniffles* I hate loseing friends.....
Date:November 3rd, 2008 11:14 pm (UTC)
I knew Rukus. He was a cool. AnthroCon 2005 was my best memory of him. I remember lying to him on IRC to grab his attention about his MFM noticability in 2003 (because I never went there), I feel sorry for the lie.
[User Picture]
Date:November 4th, 2008 01:20 am (UTC)
Ouch, I'm sorry to hear about your friend. My best wishes for you during this time.
Date:November 4th, 2008 03:06 pm (UTC)
You say you don't need sympathy.

That's too bad. Because I'm going to give you some anyway. You're a good person, and I'm sorry that this happened. I know what it's like to put a lot into something, hoping that the bright side would win out. I know what it's like to lose that.

Please don't lose faith in .. well, whatever it was that made you see the good in Rukus. Because that good does exist in us all, and we need a lot more of that in the world than the alternative.

Take care, Dai.
[User Picture]
Date:November 5th, 2008 05:12 am (UTC)
Just saw this now.

Don't really know too much as to what to say. He was always a cool cat. I liked talkin about with him once in a while too. Unbelievable to say the least. If you have to vent at any time, Drop me a line somehow. *gives ya a good tug hug as he usually does* Peace be with you.
[User Picture]
Date:November 6th, 2008 08:18 am (UTC)
*hugs* I'm just shocked... I'm very sorry Dai. I remember when you stayed here with him and how comfortable and happy you always were around him. He was a very good person and someone that will be missed.
[User Picture]
Date:November 8th, 2008 02:59 am (UTC)
I was so shocked to hear of this too, hon. Rukus was a friend of mine as well, though we hadn't talked for some time. I find this hard to believe as do we all.
[User Picture]
Date:November 10th, 2008 03:03 am (UTC)
I only met him once but it seemed like I had known him all my life, Dai if you need someone to lean on here is my number (479) 856-1295
[User Picture]
Date:May 14th, 2009 11:47 pm (UTC)
Little over seven months now and I still miss him......FUCK....

it was good running into you at that McDonald's in NC....
[User Picture]
Date:August 6th, 2010 11:53 pm (UTC)


Pretty intense post here.

I'd offer a hug if I was convinced it might not be kind of weird...
Date:February 17th, 2013 02:00 am (UTC)
locals looking to meet Go Here dld.bz/chwZN

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